Thursday, May 5, 2016

Of my worth, working mother guilt, and other things of business

I switched jobs. It was a long time coming. Although my responsibilities have varied, I had been working my last job for over four years.

About a year and a half ago, I realized my salary was pretty far off that of my colleagues. I make 77%  of the same dollar for the same work, with the same education. And I have more technical work experience. I was upset, to say the least. And my manager at the time promised to bring me into parity, I was at the low end of my band, he said. It would happen at review, he said. And when I got my GLOWING review, with no significant bump, I brought it up, and was LAUGHED AT.  WHO TOLD YOU YOU AREN'T IN PARITY. You, I said. No, I never told you that, said my manager.

Well, okay.

I swallowed it.

I knew I had to get away. At that moment, I knew I would never get equal pay for equal work.  Not from him.  So I applied for another role and got it.

And now I've asked for equal pay. And I almost apologized when asking for it.  The words, "I'm sorry" almost came out of my mouth.  I'm sorry? As in, I'm sorry I'm asking for more money. I'm sorry I'm disrupting your day with my request. I'm sorry you have to think about this and me and ugly things like money because of my request. But I stopped myself. I even said, "This actually isn't a raise, this is actually just bringing me into parity with my colleagues."

But now I'm racked with guilt for having asked and worried about how I'm being thought of because of my request.

Which, stupid.  I'm worth it. My work is amazing.

And my work is what takes me away from my babies. To be undervalued by the thing taking me away from my babies, it kills me.

The day I asked for my raise, I missed half of one child's music concert at school because I had to leave to lead one meeting. I then missed all of another child's music concert because of another meeting. I worked until I had to leave to take a third child to baseball, where I proceeded to work on my computer THROUGH THE BASEBALL GAME.  And then I bought dinner, dropped him off, and went back to the office where I worked until 9 pm.  Afterwards, I went for a run. And in the locker room, I cried, because I realized...MY DAY.

I skipped lunch.

The babies. I missed so much. I worked through a baseball game (I did stop and video every at-bat, though!).

I'm worth 100% of the same dollar anyone else is making. My work is pretty amazing. My most recent feedback, "Just walked through the deck  with <....>. She said it's the best activities, look, and flow she's seen. Absolutely loved...the AppleCare portion specifically. Awesome job, and thanks again Angel!"

I have to breathe. And maybe go for a run.

2 comments:

  1. I'm proud of you, my friend. Thank you for standing up for yourself like this. It's inspiring.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, love. It's a hard truth to admit about myself and an even harder truth to tell to the world. But I wanted to share.

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