Friday, November 16, 2012

Day 7, Becoming a Human Project: Accountability, Evaluation and Reflection.

I am an educator. I have degrees and certificates that say so, so it must be.

As an educator, I realize that there is a need for accountability. For measurables. And for a system to rate those measurables.

Yes, in so many words I am talking about grades: A, B, C, D, F.

 Or if you have a touchy-feely school, for a performance rating scale such as this:
Level 5 : Exceptional 
Level 4 : Exceeds expectations
Level 3 : Meets expectations
Level 2: Improvement needed
Level 1 : Unsatisfactory
Or maybe, you like to think outside the box...how's THIS for an evaluation scale?

Well, I have decided I need to hold myself accountable to this blogosphere and to myself for my human becoming project.

Today, the risk of you having to read a post from me is SEVERE

How am I doing on the blogging? Well, I think we can all agree I am at a LEVEL 2: Improvement Needed.

And when it comes to becoming a human? The only thing saving me from a big fat F is that fact that I was BORN ONE.
Me...in the baby phase. 

And so I give myself a D.

The thing about the human becoming project? Is that I NEED it. And because I NEED it, I'm not quite where I need to be in the realm of being happy. 

Part of day 7 for me is reflection.

Because you want to know the truth?

I've lived here in California and it still doesn't feel like home

I miss my mom. I miss my dad. I miss my sisters

I miss the way I could jump on I294 and I could know exactly how to get anywhere in the Chicago area at any moment.

It only took about 52 minutes to get from my house to my mom's place.

My kids had cousins there.

I think I am happy. But then I think, what is happy for me?

Do I love my job enough to be happy here?

Do I move for all of the right reasons?

Am I staying for all of the wrong ones?

When will I stop feeling so lonely?

When will I stop feeling so guilty for bringing my kids here away from our family AND NOW MY HUSBAND???

Sometimes, I sit here and I just cry. Sometimes, I miss my life the way it was. I love my job, but I didn't hate my last position. I love that my kids are happy at school...but they weren't unhappy at their Illinois school.

This is hard. I thank God for my life the way it is today because it led me to my husband. I do believe he is the love of my life. But I can't afford a flight home to see my mom. My sister lost her doggie baby and I had to say sorry from here, not from a hug. My other sister graduated college and I wasn't there. My baby sister needs direction and mentoring and I'm here. My kids need their cousins and we're here. My husband needs to see his dad and we're here. My husband needs to see his kids, but we're here.

We're here. We're here. And I'm still BECOMING used to it.

Me

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