Sunday, July 29, 2012

You might have clicked delete, but it didn't go away

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about what I put out there on the internet. In terms of being "personal" I would put myself in the über personal category.

I have never been afraid to share what I have gone through. Well, that's a lie. I did go through some painful stages in life when I was very ashamed of myself and where I was emotionally/mentally/personally. I was afraid to share. Buuuut... I'm sure that I wrote about that somewhere on this blog.

My philosophy has been that this is my journey. Some of it I have to write out because it is cathartic to just get.it.off.my.chest. Some of it literally jumps off the tips of my fingers and can't wait to get onto the screen. And some of it I share because I hope that it will help someone else or I will be able find a kindred spirit.

Even though it may be painful.

Even though it may be embarrassing.

Even though it may cause shame.

I've been around to see posts come down. To see tweets be deleted. To see a status be erased.

Okay, maybe I have even done that myself. My life has changed A LOT in the last ten months. Enough that from one post to another you may question if this is the blog of the same person! But it was my truth in THAT moment. And in THAT moment. And THIS one, too. If my truth is different now, do I delete my post?

But then I think to myself...what moved me to "put it all out on the table" like that in the first place? Should I go with that instinct? What instinct is telling me "delete. Delete. DELETE!" and should I listen to THAT?

Recently, I read a post online that was so moving. So sad. Devastating really. It was extremely personal and real in ways that many posts as of late are not. Sure, I read a lot of commentary of all types-family commentary, social commentary, political commentary. This post? This post was a gut-wrenching, soul-bearing post. The kind you need kleenex to read. But within minutes/hours the post was gone.

It disappeared from the annals of this blogger's site...and OUT of SIGHT.

And I was left with a small group of people who knew...but couldn't KNOW. Who had read...but couldn't RESPOND. Who felt...but couldn't EMPATHIZE. A few of us even reached out to each other to share our concern. But we knew. The post was down. The message was clear.

THIS [PROBLEM] NO LONGER EXISTS.

And I still think about that blogger. And that blogger's non-existent problem. And sadness. And despair. And I give that blogger a hug in my mind. I send my mojo, even though the receiver doesn't know it is coming.

Because I know. I know all to well. You might have clicked delete, but it didn't go away.



You might have clicked delete
but it didn't go away
Despite the words moved off the page
the cache is here to stay

You might have clicked delete
But tweet was clicked before
and now there are some tweeps
who know not less but more

You might have clicked delete 
but before you clicked on post
And when it went to cyberspace
It RSS'd to most

You might have clicked delete
but our emotions aren't the same
Even though you backspaced letters
you can't backspace the pain

7 comments:

  1. Omg. Angel. This was awesome. And well said. That post WAS gut wrenching. And none of us could say. I try to not delete but I have a few times. It's hard to decide which voice to listen to.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Becks.

      I still have a really hard time knowing which voice to listen to as well...I'm having that dilemma right now about some of my posts. I'm trying to stay true to what I have put out there into the web.

      xoxox,
      Angel

      Delete
  2. There's a fine line between personal and TMI. Sometimes you don't realize it until it's too late, I guess...and you just feel TOO exposed.

    But you're right. I always remember those posts, too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmmmm...yes, TMI. I think of it as what would I actually say in a dinner conversation. Painful- one thing. TMI- yet another. And I can think of a few of THOSE posts that I have read lately, too.

      Yes. Overexposure of the self is quite intimidating. But it can be like doing the laundry...leave a load for too long locked in the washer and it becomes moldy smelling and it can take a lot to get that smell out. You need to take the laundry out of the washer and hang it on the line...

      Love you.
      Angel

      Delete
  3. In my eight years of blogging, I have only removed four posts and one that really stands out. Not too long ago I wrote a post that on the surface is personal, but after I wrote it felt way too vulnerable and I hated it. Then I got over it. But the first two days were horrible. I realized that much of what I write online looks like I give a lot away, but I don't. And this was more than I have said in a long time. I write commentary and it was never more clear then when I wrote my "my and the mate are separating" post.

    There is a lot of comfort and support that people will receive when, but you have to be willing to deal with the potential negative and Google. But it's my thinking that secrets keep people sick. I've lived like that and try to write as authentically as possible: what you read is what you get, for better or worse.

    ReplyDelete
  4. That's really sad. You never know what a person is going through...even if you know them in real life.
    Sometimes, I'd like to delete moments in my life...but I guess that's all a part of living and learning.
    Beautiful poem.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Aw. That's rough. You know, it takes a lot of strength to write something like that, and even MORE strength to hit "publish" and put it out there for everyone to see. I can kinda understand that strength being a bit tapped out and needing to retract. Hopefully with time, this person will be able to repost it. Or maybe... just writing it out was what they needed to help heal. Who knows?

    ReplyDelete