Tuesday, May 8, 2012
What do you do when you’ve become uncomfortable with the comfortable
My life...has become comfortable. And it’s...weird.
After six years of breakups (one marriage, one domestic partnership), single parenting, step parenting, twin parenting and back to single parenting, three moves, the loss of my children’s birth place home, four job changes, one career change, four promotions and a move out of state...I have found peace in my life.
Job? My job is great. I love my coworkers. I love what I do. I am good at both aspects of my dual performance job (I think?) and I am never dreading the next day at work. I am more than happy to stay in the role for my own growth and development. I am excited with what I have accomplished and what I dream of doing here.
Kids? My children are amazing. I have four happy, healthy boys. Yes, that is a lot of kids. Yes, that is a lot of testosterone. But it is. It just is. It is my life. I don’t know anything different. What I do know is that I go pick up two four year olds from day care at 6pm who are so excited to see me you would wonder if the last time they saw me was more than a week ago. “Mommmmmeeeeeeeeee!” Gabe will squeal. “You came back for meeeee!!!” Ummmm....yeah? Was not coming back for you an option? Tons of people have commented how wonderful my boys are (thank god) and say they would welcome them back into their homes/teams/classes again.
Friends? I have amazing friends. We chat all day long (except at work...never at work *side eyes*) and we support each other through breakups, breakdowns, children’s birthdays, child rearing, annoying life...annoyances, and anything else you can think of...including joy like promotions (Go LEX! Go BRIYA!). One friend in particular for me (JOANNA) has moved from friend to sister and I would walk through burning coal for her and her family (I mean OUR family). Thank goodness for one of those aforementioned great kids I have for selecting a best friend with an amazing mom. If you can fall in love with a friend, then I have fallen in love with her.
Love? Yes! And now I have an amazing boyfriend. He is crazy, sexy, cool...He is athletic and gives me something to do on Sundays (baseball), he is a dad and gives me something to think about (parenting styles), he is a successful employee and gives me something to strive for (ambition), he is rational and gives me something to ponder (logic), he is warm and gives me something to hold on to (our love) and he is dreamy and gives me something to hope for (our journey).
And I can’t sit still.
It’s not a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” kind of feeling either.
It’s just...I.don’t.recognize.this.kind.of.calm. I am unfamiliar with the territory of settling into a life that makes me so happy. I am not used to looking in the mirror and loving what I see...my life...reflected back at me.
I have ants in my pants. I have gotten so used to fighting for what I wanted that now that I have it, I have no idea where to put all of the leftover fight. All of the struggle.
My BF is so good at this. He is so zen about taking everything one.day.at.a.time. I need a lesson in one.day.at.a.time.
I need to learn to let go, sit back, enjoy and relax.
Let things happen one.day.at.a.time.
That is what you do when you’ve become uncomfortable with the comfortable...right?