Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Day 3- The Thing for Which I Need to Forgive Myself


What I need to forgive myself for... I guess what leads to...I don't feel like I have been the best mother that I could have been for much of Joey and Eddie's life.

For whatever reason: I was not happy in my marriage to their father. I am sure they took some of my pain, my misery. Whether I was depressed or angry, I am sure there was backlash. I know I suffered from depression for much of that time. On top of being unhappily married, I was also unhappily employed. After four years of college and a master's degree, I was not doing something that I loved anymore. And the profession no longer loved me, either. I was a mess. I was a wreck.

I think of the time when I left my husband. I moved the boys and I into a home that we ended up sharing with another single mom and her daughter. The woman ended up being CUH-RAZY. Thankfully, I had met Eric and he wanted to make the four of us a family. Of course, at the time, we had no idea that it was actually a family of SIX we had in the makings (surprise! it's twins!).

But it all happened too fast. And he wasn't ready.

And I had that predisposition to being depressed and angry about my relationship with my significant other.

And I probably drank more than I needed to, to self-medicate and to numb those feelings. And again, I know it was my kids that suffered.

Mommy was quick to get angry.

Mommy was quick to be upset.

Mommy didn't want to leave the house.

Mommy didn't love herself enough to want more. To be more.  To be enough.

Until I did want more.

Thank God for the bottom almost dropping out, but not.  Thank God for Fruit. Thank God for co-workers that cared enough to give me second and third and fourth and fifth chances...who saw the pain, through the pain, and gave me a glimpse of how much another grown person should care about me.

Thank God for BlogHer at Home '09.  That event, that weekend, those women gave me purpose and strength and drive. And made me feel sane. And pretty. And funny. And smart. And wanted.

That's when I started Intentional Happiness 365 (maybe another 30 days of Truth post?).

And that's when I started to heal myself and get my shit together. That's when I looked at my kids and wondered how much I may have hurt them with my own personal struggles and demons.

Today, I am happy. I don't numb myself from life. I have peace. I love myself.

And that's what I need to forgive myself for, because truly, it's not until the end of the journey that we know what imprint our footprints have left.

Maybe they haven't been damaged? Maybe my love for them as their mother has been the stronger factor and they, in their infinite child wisdom, have known that. I can say that my Joey and Eddie are so lovable and kind.  If they see someone cry, they put their hand on their shoulder or offer a kind word and hug. If they see someone walking towards a door they've opened, they hold it open for them. They are sweet. They are gentle. They are thoughtful.

They are mine.

1 comment:

  1. I think it's important to remember that you are showing your kids how to get through a tough time and bounce back. We all struggle but some get mired in the struggle while others fight through it. I think you are teaching your kids strength.