Thursday, February 4, 2010
Where I Tell My Story
Some of you know.
Some of you know how bad it’s been, how bad it was. What I’ve been through in the last two and an half years. I started to tell my story in a protected blog named “I can’t believe,” which is now no longer protected. I can no longer pretend that even if I never talked about it, that pain was never there. But, I haven’t truly told it all.
Time will bring the real end of our trial
One day they’ll be no remnants
No trace, no residual feelings within ya
One day you won’t remember me*
When E and I met, things escalated quickly. It was nice. We seemed to get along. There seemed to be an automatic bond. He admitted to me that he wanted to be “real.” That he was tired of being the nice guy and being rejected by girls who wanted the bad boy. Tired of people that sent the “ambassador” and allowed the actual person that they were to come months later, after you had developed a relationship. He wanted to show affection. He wanted to have someone to think of his happiness so that he could think of their happiness. Full reciprocity.
I immediately fell in love. Details of how quickly our life together unfolded can be found in my post “My Our Story.” I knew right off that bat our story was unconventional. But, I was dead sure that it would work. That things would be okay.
Your face will be the reason I smile
But I will not see what I cannot have forever
I’ll always love ya, I hope you feel the same*
That E was being avalanched by me, my love, my two older boys, our twins, a mortgage…all in three months after we MET…well, that that was occurring, I wasn’t afraid. I had faith. That we would survive. That he wouldn’t be smothered. But there is SO MUCH MORE TO A RELATIONSHIP THAN TWO PEOPLE. There is a past. There are the people that we choose to surround ourselves with. There is all of that.
There is also our anger. Our reservations. Our fear.
And E had all of that. Especially hanging over him was the fact that he had held out for an ex-girlfriend of his, his “first love” from high school, for over twelve years after they broke up. Despite her being a bad friend, what seemed like taunting him with her platonic friendship with him while flaunting her current man dealings in front of him under the guise of “I need your manly friend advice.” I hated her for it. Again, I posted a short story that I wrote about this situation and you can find “Breaking the Barrier” here if you are interested in the story.
So, an ex (who lived mere blocks away), a heart hung up on her, an ego bruised by their dealings, a f*ck buddy that he had encounters with just a month before we met, another ex gf that he considered one of his BEST FRIENDS (a position that I could not earn because I was a girlfriend), other women who texted him about ‘p*ssy’ (yes, I saw the texts), friends who were friends but wanted his number, the ex girlfriends on facebook…well, you get the picture.
I was not a girl at ease.
Add to that the fact that he seemed was obviously angry. He would go off at me at the slightest offense. “I can’t take this shit,” he’d say. “A round peg isn’t meant to go in a square hole.“
“How could you be so mean?” I’d ask, genuinely perplexed. “I’m pregnant with your babies.“
“I know,” he’d say. “You don’t have to remind me. It’s in my face everyday…“
Cue tears. Massive amounts of tears.
And more worrying. Of the crazy and mentally destructive worrying type. And I’d call. Once I think I called five or six times. I knew he should be on his way home…oh, btw, a thing he would NOT disclose to me…when his jobs were over…why? Control. The less information I had, I guess the better he felt about things. And besides the point, “I hate coming home,” he’d tell me. “I’m miserable. I’d rather be at work.” So, I called five or six times. No answer. But you can tell on an iPhone when you are on another all or when a call is ignored. And I could hear that in the ring. He came home. I asked who he was talking to…the pause. The liar’s pause. His “godbrother” was the answer. Yeah right. It was the ex gf (which he later admitted). And then there was Thanksgiving, when he drove out of the way to his mother’s house to talk to her on the phone and then ignored me and acted pissy when we were there. Why? Because he talked to her.
And there was the time he texted to another woman, another ex… “I just think it’s time to hit some new p*ssy…“
The text he got from another girl, “Are you still with the crazy bitch?” which spoke volumes about how he spoke about me to other women.
And then there are all the times he told me couldn’t keep doing this. That we just didn’t fit. That he wished he left my ass at the bar that first night. That he should have just left and paid the child support.
There’s the time he left me at home to go to his high school reunion, a POOL PARTY complete with POOL and BATHING SUITS. He lied to me. Told me he was hanging out with his friend AB. That they were just going to go to a bar. Shoot the shit. Nope. Left me at home. Went to his reunion. Left me at home.
On that night, the night I figured out he had lied, left me to go to the reunion alone…without me…his other half…I had an anxiety attack, a panic attack. I was so alone.
We’d tried counseling. He accused the counselor of being unfairly biased towards me because he was MY counselor first. WHY? Because the couselor told him we had significant breeches of trust (on E’s part) and to move forward, he’d have to cut out ALL WOMEN COMPLETELY. Well, E couldn’t imagine that. Couldn’t do it.
I stopped going to that counselor.
I hated myself.
I was in so much pain. Crying. Drinking, too. Significantly drinking on at last three occasions over the last two years, I finally had the strength to say I was self-medicating. I thought I was depressed. I thought I was a freak who didn’t deserve his love. I thought I was chemically imbalanced. And then I started to see…it might not have been me, but how I was feeling about me because of my partnership. And I started to tell him, “I’m sorry, I’m not strong enough to leave you, to set you free. But I’m trying. And maybe one day, I’ll be brave enough to do it. I’ll be brave enough to let you go so that you can be happy…“
Oh you played me dirty, your game was so bad
You toyed with my affliction
Had to fill out my prescription
Found the remedy, I had to set you free
Away from me
To see clearly the way that love can be
When you are not with me
I had to leave, I have to live
I had to lead, I had to live*
And he chose so many things over me. He bought a pay as you go phone towards the end. I found the receipt in out bedroom and looked for the phone. Couldn’t find it, but found the box in the trash. He bought it for his friend that has a nosey significant other “like you,” was his excuse. He went out and said he’d be home early. Around 11-11:30. And I heard his car pull into our driveway…and then pull away. I called him and he ignored me. I text him, “Where are you going?” His response? “WHAT??!?” As in, leave me alone. He was going to the strip club. He text me on that night that we were over. That he was done. That he was selling the house and he would just pay me child support. Once again, that he wished he had just left my ass in the bar that night. He was done with me and good riddance.
I packed my suitcase. I packed a suitcase for each of the boys. I was ready to leave. I even called my boss and said I didn’t think I could come into work the next day because I didn’t know where I’d be staying that night. He offered me lodgings at his home, for all of us.
Needless to say, that night I realized I had people that cared about me. That wanted me to be happy. That thought I could be happy. And many of them were at work! Ahhhh. I love Fruit.
That night I started to choose my job over my relationship, too. Crazy, but maybe you’ll understand. See, I was happy at work and miserable at home. But the misery became so strong that it started to overtake my personality, my performance at work, too. And I appeared unstable. Inconsistent. And not a person anyone would want to be around.
To make things better for myself, and for those people that surrounded me and loved me, to ensure the continued success at my place of employment (a place I would surely need and depend on as I made the transition to single mother of four), I began to do some soul searching. And that is when I started Intentional Happiness 365. And everyday, I got up and I specifically, intentionally, purposefully chose to be happy. No matter what. Because I had my four adorable sons (who are truly my “suns” and brighten my entire life!), because I had my friends on twitter and in the blogosphere, because I had my friends at work and my job, because I had my family (mom, dad, sissies), because I WAS WORTH IT. Because I AM worth it.
And then, one day, amidst my happiness, I found the strength, the courage, the SENSE to let go of that which was not good for me. Maybe it was the conversation that E and I had had, in which I asked him, “What do you like about me? What about me makes you happy?” and his response was, “I don’t know. Shit, if you really want an answer, I’m going to need time. I’m going to have to really think about that to come up with something…” Part of me died in that moment. I had told him before, several times in fact, that he would start to kill off my love for him. That the things he said he couldn’t take back. That I’d start to believe them. Under the veil of hot tears that streamed down my face that day, my eyes were truly opened. I could find my personal love life happiness else where. I could do it.
And I told him I was done. That he was free. That I would no longer hold him back from whatever he believed he needed to be happy.
And since then, I have been so happy. And he has changed HIS tune. These lyrics remind me of HIS words, now.
I came wrong, you were right
Transformed your love into “like”
Baby believe me I’m sorry I told you lies
I turned day into night
Sleep til I died a thousand times
I should’ve showed you better nights, better times, better days
I miss you more and more*
And it’s hard. It’s still hard to accept the pain of not being with the father of my children. It’s still hard to admit that I have now had TWO failed relationships in my adult life. But at least my life is happier, my future for love looks brighter…
Someone better’s gonna love you…
Someone… Someone’s gonna love you baby.
Pretty wings, your pretty wings around
Pretty wings, your pretty wings around
Pretty wings, your pretty wings, your pretty wings around…*
*All lyrics from the song “Pretty Wings” by Maxwell, from BLACKsummers’ night, ℗2009