Thursday, May 7, 2009

I'm not your average soccer mom

And I’m totally not saying that YOU are. But, it has become PAINFULLY obvious to me that I JUST DON’T FIT THE SOCCER MOM MOLD.

Currently, it is Baseball Mom season. So, for the first time since I had only two almost completely potty trained children (The Thinker was four going on five, Mama’s Boy was two going on three), I have The Thinker (7 almost 8 ) in Rookie Baseball and Mama’s Boy (5 almost 6) in Tee-Ball. And a set of 1 year old twins (Cheeks and Chops).

I HATE IT. Don’t get me wrong. I. love. being. a. mom. But, all this chauffeuring that is currently required of me? All of this self-sacrificing? I don’t know if I mind the self-sacrificing, really…although, didn’t I sacrifice my body and most of my mind for 9 monthsnine months times three births… almost eight years already? Or was it that I’ve sacrificed my mind and most of my body? And really, none of those moms and I have A-NY-THING in common! I’m on adult relationship #2, my two older sons are the product of my first marriage, I met and became pregnant by the twins’ father...um, let's just say SOON after I began dating him…I love NIN, Beatles, Jimi Hendrix, Chicago House music, Missy Elliott, Guru, Michael Jackson, Janis Joplin and could listen to all of those artists/genres in one twenty minute car ride. I sing AND laugh BOTH at the top of my lungs, I am not afraid to make a fool of myself in public, especially for my children’s entertainment, I am fairly liberal, believe the USA is wrong in most all foreign policy and domestic policy issues…I could go on and on…I don’t know.

I. just. don’t. feel. like. them. I feel like it’s high school all over again. The cool kids are wearing fake/plastered on smiles and when I walk away from their lunch table, both they and I roll eyes.

I don’t feel like I can fake this for forever, but will I have to fake this for forever? Is it the city I am in? Is the age that I am it? Is it that I really haven’t gotten to know these moms?

Well, for this SOCCER BASEBALL mom season ALONE…my crashing waves are the following:

I am NOT happy that I have two back to back practices on Friday afternoons, which I am taking time off of work to go to anyway. I am not happy that Tuesdays mean practice for Joey and a game for Eddie, immediately following the practice or DURING the practice in some cases. At different parks. At which I am expected to be at both…

Did I forget to mention that many of these games begin at 7 or 8 PM on a school night? That in one weekend Joey has three games, one everyday and on Monday? Or that, despite pouring money into the team, accessories, pictures, treat tickets, I am expected to work a concession stand two to three times a season, and to clean up the park before, half way through and after the season…FOR EACH CHILD?

WTF!?!?

Maybe I am strange. I don’t know. I find it odd that every parent except for me said that a 4:30 pm practice is fine on a work day; also odd to me that every parent there with their son was a dad (except for me), EXCEPT for the TEAM MOM (Ring, ring…um, hello? Yeah, 1950’s on the phone and they want their TEAM MOM back)…whose husband was there anyway…right, cuz what kind of woman would know about sports anyway? For the record, the only other baseball mitt in our house is MINE (not dh’s) as is MOST other athletic gear in our house. We recently went to the batting cages, which DH couldn’t pull me out of, I made contact on every ball, and all were playable hits except for one which was foul because I swung at a bad pitch…yes, out of a mechanical pitcher…

So, I can do all of this volunteer work, or I can pay some high school student $20 to do my volunteer work for me. HELL, NO! I barely make that! But, I can’t have my own high school student volunteer for me (um, hmmmm…can you say COACHES’ KIDS?). And then, on top of that, I get this groovy phone call from Eddie’s team’s coach.

It went something like this:

TeamCoach: Hi, Anti-mom, it’s Team Coach and you weren’t on the schedule for Tuesday’s game for volunteering, but you are now.

Mommy Tsunami: Um, it’s Friday afternoon. After 4 pm.

TC: Yes. Hehehehehe.

Mommy Tsunami: And, you want me to “volunteer” for THIS Tuesday’s game?

TC: Yes. Hehehehehe.

Mommy Tsunami: Right, well, there are a couple of issues with that. First, I told you I would not be at Tuesday’s game over a week ago. Second, it’s Friday. After 4pm. And I’m a grown-up. That works. I cannot just be there on Tuesday. That’s not how it works for me. We won’t be there on Tuesday. Third, I will not be paying $20 for some high school kid to make as much an hour as I do.

TC: Well, I’ll send you over a list of parents that may switch with you for another day in the concession stand…

Mommy Tsunami: No. Because that brings me to point number four. I will not spend my two days off from work worrying if some other parent out of the goodness of their heart will switch volunteer work days with me on Tuesday. I get two days off. I won’t spend them making calls. Nor will I pay someone. And I will not be there. So, I don’t know where that leaves us, but that’s the situation.

TC: (Insert cricket noises here)

Mommy Tsunami:: Okay then, I guess that’s it.

TC: Um.

Mommy Tsunami: Okay, see you at practice.

Phone: Click.

So. I can’t help it! I can’t fake it or force it!

WTF.

I’m doomed.

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